“The Living Sex Talk”
by Shauna Wallace
Long before any of my kids get the “THE Talk,” they’ve had oodles of sex education by osmosis. And it continues long after, too. In fact, whether they know it or not, it’s a normal part of an ongoing dialogue in our home. And it needs to be, because Satan wants to make casual what God considers sacred by presenting sin and sex outside of marriage as no big deal.
I tell my kids all the time, “The devil perverts what God considers precious.” Just look at the saturation of messages in all forms of media that say sex is whatever you want it to be. Our kids are being sexualized at school, at the mall, driving down the road, on social media, in TV and movies. It’s everywhere! How much more important, then, that we continually converse about why God created marriage and how incredible it is when enjoyed according to His design.
For some of us, talking to our kids about sex is about as appealing as…
…a root canal, and actually more painful. Maybe sex wasn’t modeled to us in a healthy way growing up. Maybe we’re ashamed of our own sexual past, and we’re afraid if we talk about sex we might have to answer hard questions about decisions we made growing up. Maybe we still struggle with sexual intimacy, and so we don’t feel qualified or comfortable discussing the topic with our kids. Maybe sexual sin is an unwelcome visitor in our homes even now, through infidelity or pornography or the like.
These are all legitimate concerns, and I know I haven’t covered every possible source of sexual offense or pain. We need God to heal us. We need God to transform our beliefs, thoughts, and feelings about sex to His word and His design so that we can enjoy what He intends for great pleasure and purpose in our marriages and instruct our children in His word. And He will.
That being said, here’s what we do in our home: we live our sex talk, because as important as what we say is what we do.
Somewhere along the way, we received very wise counsel to let our kids see us openly playful and affectionate with each other, not in any way inappropriately so, but in hugging, kissing, touching, laughing, snuggling, teasing, etc. They might giggle and snicker or groan and gag like they’re totally disgusted by it, but deep down, it’s the most comforting thing we can do for them, and it’s the most educational, as well.
You see, a secure marriage is the greatest source of assurance we can offer our kids. Not a perfect marriage, but a strong and healthy one. One where conflicts are resolved, forgiveness is extended, and making up is clearly communicated by restored affection. I’m not talking about doing in front of our kids what needs to take place only behind closed doors, but letting them see that hurts can be healed, hard topics tackled, and intimacy restored.
Our kids see us disagree. They hear us confess when we’re wrong and seek forgiveness. I’ll share stories of ways I’ve dishonored their daddy, or many times, they’re standing right there to witness my sin first hand, like the time I saluted him with a “Heil Hitler!” because I didn’t want to submit to his authority. I try to always go back to them and finish the story by explaining how the Holy Spirit convicted me and worked His ministry of reconciliation between their dad and me. And that our relationship is restored. That affection returns. The in Christ, we keep moving closer to Him and to each other.
Our kids also see glimpses of the intimacy we enjoy together. Like when we’re bra shopping, I’ll comment on a pair of panties: “Oooh, your daddy would love these on me!” They respond with complete disgust, but I guarantee, the part of them that knows it’s a reflection of my love for him loves it.
It’s not unusual for them to hear me announce from their daddy’s office that he’s grabbing by tee-hiney. You can hear the smiles on their faces and the laughter in their voices even as they cry, “TMI!”
Or we’ll tease about the fact that it’s a good thing their dad’s a “butt guy” since that’s where I am most endowed!
They see us holding hands in the car, as we walk, in church. They see us kissing while I cook, when we say hello or goodbye, and randomly when we run into each other throughout the day. They catch us snuggling every night on the love seat in our room. They see me sitting in their daddy’s lap in his office or in the living room.
It’s a living sex talk right before their eyes. Whether they pick up messages in James’s and my interactions or we’re having spontaneous or intentional discussions about the things we see or hear, talking sex is part of everyday life. And what we live in front of our kids is the most powerful instruction they’ll ever receive.
I do hope this series has helped and blessed you! May the Lord bless and keep you and make His face to shine upon you in every area of your marriage and family life.
One Final Closing Thought
In his first letter to the Corinthian, Paul explains why we must flee sexual immorality:
Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s (1 Corinthians 6:18-20).
It’s not that sexual sin is unforgivable. The blood Jesus shed on the cross for the forgiveness of our sins is all inclusive, and God’s grace is sufficient to heal and restore all things. Thankfully, the devil can’t reverse our salvation! But he can interfere with our ability to enjoy God’s blessings and be fully available for His service.
The Lord has delivered me from incredible hurts in this area, and He can do the same for you. If need help, please reach out to a trustworthy Christian. Make sure they will keep your confidence and counsel you based on scripture. You might even want to find a Christian counselor. Most importantly, pray and ask God to show you what to do and who to reach out to, if anyone. Because the reality is, He’s perfectly capable of touching you and healing you without the use of a human conduit, but many times, we need help, and God knows and provides just what we need.
An inspirational writer, teacher, and speaker, Shauna Wallace burns with passion to see women experience the fullness of God’s grace, faithfulness, peace, joy, protection, and provision by becoming wholly His. Finding hope and life in God’s word motivates her to help other women discover God’s power to transform lives.
Transparent and real, she opens her life and heart to encourage others. She and her husband, James, serve their church, community, and clients of their custom home building business. As a homeschooling stay-at-home mother of four, Shauna treasures the privilege of being James’ helpmate and training her children in the ways of the Lord.
Check Out Shauna’s Blog Here!