“If I Could Only Do More!”
by Diane Samson
“If I could only do more. I feel like so much of my time has been wasted.” Passionate words uttered by a friend.
I appreciated her words. I felt her heart. I knew her. I was her.
I’ve been there. Right in the middle of my whirlwind life, homeschooling two kids, occupying a toddler and a baby on the way. My husband’s crazy schedule lent him jet setting 3 weeks out of the month and I was left coping with my chaos.
I loved my life. But I was frustrated too. I wanted more. Why couldn’t I …
…be out doing God’s work and something meaningful with my life?
I was living God’s purpose and felt this calling to stay at home and teach my children. It was a purpose I was committed and focused, day after day, week after week, and year after year, even when friends tried and gave up. Fatigued, I felt like sleeping in and letting the kids play in their pajamas, yet I stood firm in my calling.
My heart ached. Even while living my purpose. I wanted more. I couldn’t define the more, how it looked or even my approach. It was the more I wanted. My aching heart, my soul left empty by an unknown entity.
I was living my purpose and living my dream to be at home with my children. I had worked full time for 3 years after my husband left the Air Force. I had no regrets helping pay our bills and getting us settled while my pilot husband scoured every corner for a job fulltime—during a time in the 90’s when airlines went bankrupt and pilots were forced to choose different careers.
I knew firsthand a working mom’s hectic life and was thankful for the opportunity my husband provided. I was blessed by being at home.
In my blessings, I searched for more. In my blessings, I wanted more.
I told my friend to embrace her yesterday and learn in her today, for God is here, working, molding and using all of it.
God uses our pains. He uses our heartaches. He uses it all.
When I was alone in the ICU with my 5-week-old son, and the pressure was immense on my tired shoulders, I prayed he would live. My husband cried over the oceans, “Don’t let him die!”
God placed in my heart that day, for women to know they are not alone. God allowed me to experience the pain of carrying an immense burden isolated and lonely, so that I could know, understand and live that pain.
When my mother threw all my things, my husband’s and my infant daughter’s outside of her home in anger, I felt divided, torn and caught in the middle. It took me years to finally confront her and tell her, “No more! You no longer have the control over me you once had.”
He allowed the pain of me wimping out, pleasing neither my mother nor my husband, until I was ready. Years later when my daughter had her own child, it was time I protected. It was time I held firm.
God used the pain of trying to please to the detriment of my family, so I could break free. He put in my heart the passion for other women, to overcome their past, and to take one step of obedience. One tiny step of faith.
When I put my mother in the psych ward, and I witnessed her disowning my son, I was engulfed by the immensity of her venom.
God used the pain to allow me to walk alongside women, who are afraid to take the one step, any step, so they don’t live in constant bondage, but in freedom.
God has used it all. Every tear I have cried. Every temper tantrum my kids threw. Every insult slammed in my face. Every rejection I felt by my dad. Every time I let my mother down. Every time a negative comment was thrown my way. Every time I was excluded. Every moment that love was not present.
God used it all.
I look into my friend’s eyes and my fiery passion jumps out.
Thank God you have the passion. Thank God you are driven for more. Thank God for everything He has allowed in your life. He will use it. All of it. Every bit.
Take hold my friend. Hold on tight. Don’t let go. See what He will do in your life. With your life. See what will happen when you take that one step toward Him. Take it trembling. Take it in faith. But take the step. Embrace the yesterday. Learn in the today.
I could have done more. Sure. Maybe. Possibly.
God will use it all.
Diane is the mom of two adult children and two teenage boys, one in high school and a newly college student. She is often called Nana to three grandchildren. She also manages her busy household with a world traveler pilot husband. While you can find her blogging in North Idaho, she enjoys her work at Open Arms Pregnancy Center, leading women in the Word of God and playing Mah Jongg. Diane is getting ready to publish articles and is starting a new writing endeavor. Join her for a cup of coffee and you have a friend for life!
You can usually find me at my site, where I blog and share my journey at:
wings for your dreams
visit my website: dianesamson.com