How to Speak Your Husbands Love Language
by Cindi McMenamin
What Speaks Love to Your Husband?
If I asked you “What makes your husband feel loved?” would you be able to tell me?
As I interviewed hundreds of wives for my book, When a Woman Inspires Her Husband, I discovered most wives are more focused on what their husbands aren’t doing to meet their expectations, than on what they can do to make him feel loved.
I, too, was once in that camp. I continued to let my husband know how he was failing to meet all my needs and expectations. I never thought to ask him how I could meet his.
Then I decided that if transformation was really going to happen in my marriage…
…it had to start with me. So I prayed: “God, help me to love him as You do. And as I do that, I trust You will take care of the rest.”
God is faithful. He will always bring about transformation when we are willing for it to start with us. And I’ve found that “Change me, God” is a much more effective prayer than “God, please change my husband.”
As I began to focus on loving my husband as God loves me, God began to turn my husband’s heart around toward me. In other words, the less I complained about what he wasn’t doing and the more I focused on loving him for the sake of loving him (and not to get something out of it), the more he began showing love to me, as well. Or maybe I just began to notice it more often. Regardless of whether he changed or my perspective changed, the fact is that my marriage changed – for the better. And it can happen in your marriage, too.
Love Him in Spite of His Faults
When I asked husbands who had been married 10-40 years to tell me what makes them feel loved by their wives, nearly all of them alluded to their wives’ responses to them in light of their own mistakes and failures. Listen to their responses from their hearts:
- I know she loves me when she upholds my character and personality to others and doesn’t feel the need to apologize for who I am or explain it to others.
- I see her love in the way she’s always willing to start over.
- She can show me she loves me by still being nice to me even when I’m a jerk.
- She doesn’t compare me to others; she doesn’t try to change me.
- By telling me I am a great husband and father and that she is fully satisfied with who I am today and not who she hopes I can be molded into tomorrow.
- She loves me in spite of myself, just like God does.
Your husband does notice when you love and accept him, even when he’s not being so lovable. In fact, he notices it especially when he’s not being so lovable. Your husband may be tough, but he is also tender on the inside. And if you dig deep enough, you will find in him a heart like yours – longing to be loved and appreciated for who he is and wanting to be forgiven for the times he blows it.
Love Him Sacrificially
As I prayed about loving my husband as God loves me, one of the things God showed me is how very easy it is for me to put myself first. I’m sure my selfishness is displayed in my marriage more than I realize. My husband sees it. But that is not sacrificial love.
Jesus commanded us: “Love each other as I have loved you” (John 15:12).
We are to love our husbands the way Jesus Christ loved us when He laid down his life for us.
How can our husbands not be encouraged, inspired and motivated when we show – and demonstrate – to them, the kind of love that sacrifices itself for the benefit of others? Show him the kind of love that says “Not my will, but yours.” “Not my happiness, but yours.” “Not my preferences, but yours.” “Not my fulfillment, but yours.”
Practice Protective Love
Throughout the Bible, God demonstrates protective love by continually coming through for His people. He protects His own. Do you have a protective love going on for your husband? My husband is a pastor and when I hear something hurtful that someone said about him, the inner tigress in me wants to claw out that person’s eyes and rip out their tongue so they never say something hurtful like that about him again. Do you ever feel that urge when your husband is being attacked?
Chances are your husband is in some kind of arena where he can be “beat up” too. Whether he’s a coach, an executive, a supervisor, a teacher, or an employee working under someone else, he has his days, be sure, when he is the target of accusation, the brunt of jokes, the disappointment of others, the one who let the team down. Those are the days he needs your understanding smile and the reassurance that no matter what anyone else thinks of him, the most important woman in his world still believes he’s her hero. That’s the kind of protective, reassuring love he needs in order to get back out there and face it all again the next day.
Practice Persevering Love
Scripture speaks of God’s loving-kindness that lasts forever. It also speaks of His unfailing love. And in First Corinthians 13:4-8 we see the kind of love we need to have for our husbands – love that “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (verse 7, NASB). Does that describe your love for your husband?
As you love your husband unconditionally, sacrificially, protectively, and with perseverance, he can’t help but notice you loving him as God does. And that is the kind of love that First Corinthians 13:8 says “never fails.”
Cindi McMenamin is a national speaker and award-winning author of more than a dozen books. She helps women and couples strengthen their relationship with God and with each other. She and her husband, Hugh, have been married 32 years and co-authored the book, When Couples Walk Together: 31 Days to a Closer Connection. Cindi has also written When Women Walk Alone (more than 130,000 copies sold), Letting God Meet Your Emotional Needs, When a Woman Overcomes Life’s Hurts, and her newest book, 12 Ways to Experience More with Your Husband. For more on her speaking, or resources to help strengthen your soul or relationships, see her website: www.StrengthForTheSoul.com.