Dear Children,
Should the Lord give you the good gift of a husband or wife, and I hope He does, there are a few things I want you to know. Things that you may not hear from anyone else, and certainly not on TV or other media. Sadly, your church may not even tell you.
Marriage…
sweet little people, is not for the purpose of your happiness. Happy as I want you to be and hope you will be, you must yet understand that marriage is God’s design and His purposes must be pursued in order for you to be truly happy. His end is holiness and He will use all things in a life devoted to Him to fulfill that end.
To my girls:
Marry a man whose first pursuit is Christ. After that, he is not hard to please. Admire him, cheer him on and show gratitude, and he will fall over himself trying to please you. Smile often, speak well of him always, and do whatever necessary to try and maintain a pleasant mood about you so that it transfers to your home, making it a place where he and your children love to be.
You’ll have bad days of course, crying days even, and that’s when you go to your bedroom, kneel on the floor and beg the Lord to carry you. Then get up, get a fresh perspective (crayons will come off the wall), and try again. Above all else,make a home.
To my boys:
Marry a woman whose first pursuit is Christ. After that, she may be hard to please 
only if you don’t know “the secret”. What is that? I’m glad you asked. The secret to pleasing your wife is to make her feel safe and treasured. You may have to move out of your comfort zone to do this at times. She won’t always readily translate the oil change to love, though it means that. But let me give you a “secret question”–a question you need to ask her often. It’s not just in the asking, though. Be sure to focus your eyes on hers, maybe even touch her shoulder or face, and then ask: “What’s on your mind these days? “ And then be ready to listen. She will perceive this as your protection over the matters of her heart. Tenderness, listening, protection. That’s what she wants.
To you all:
If your wife or husband does something really stupid, forgive. If they do it again, forgive again. Forgiveness must be the propelling force in your lives each day. Dwell on the strengths, push out thoughts of their weaknesses. Take every thought captive–choose to love.
Here’s that part you are not going to hear often:
If you find yourself “not happy”, having lost attraction, disinterested, etc., you are not permitted to even think about a divorce. If you find yourselves arguing more and more, don’t think for a minute that “the children will be better off out of this”, because they won’t.
The vows you took on your wedding day were not suggestions. They were covenant vows, before a Holy God, family and friends, to stay with this person the rest of your life, even if you don’t feel like it. You swore a solemn oath and if you can’t live up to it, don’t get married. Decide up front that your marriage is irrevocable. There is far more motivation for getting along if your “marriage house” has no door.
Do not share intimate thoughts or feelings with anyone of the opposite sex. Do not find yourself alone for any length of time with such either.
Divorce is not a “private option.” It will affect multiple families for many generations. When you “separate what God has joined” you permanently injure far more than just yourself.
Guard your marriage as fiercely as you would guard your own life. Treat your spouse as an extension of your flesh, just as God sees you. Treat your spouse like other family members. You know, “you gotta love ‘em, they’re the only family you’ve got.”
I want you to be happy, I surely do. But I will pray for you to be holy.
Kelly and her husband Aaron live with their ten children on a small farm, enjoying the rhythm of simple living, awed by the amazing grace of God. Kelly writes at Generation Cedar and has authored When Motherhood Feels Too Hard and Think Outside the Classroom: A Practical Approach to Relaxed Homeschooling. She is a speaker at the 2014 Christian Heritage Homeschooling Conference, and has been featured on several radio broadcasts and published in several magazines, including The Old Schoolhouse Magazine. Besides all things family and writing, Kelly enjoys creating of all sorts, marketing and home business.
Superbly written.I agree with all your points.
1.Its important to chose a partner that loves the lord.
2.The naked truth,that divorce is not an option.We always try to take the easy way out.Our society has come to this.
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I do not think a mother can tell her children they cannot divorce. She does not have that authority, first of all.
Secondly, has she never heard of abuse? Id never want my child trapped in an abusive marriage for fear of disappointing me.
Great post, otherwise.
Jane and LaundryMoms, please pardon me for taking the liberty to write.
A mother may not have the authority to tell her children that they cannot divorce, but God does, and He says that He “hates divorce” and that we should not separate what He has put together. The Bible permits divorce only in the case of adultery and, even in this case, God’s preference is reconciliation. It does allow, even advise, separation to allow for healing and rehabilitation. If a mother is speaking from God’s word, she’s not using her own authority, but that which she has derived from the scriptures.
Also, Kelly clearly says to marry a man whose first pursuit is Christ. The chances of such a man abusing a woman are slim to none. A prudent mother gives this advice so that discussions on divorce never have to come up. 🙂
Lovely post, Kelly. This is the nth time I’m reading it, and it never gets old!
Daphne,
If your daughter was being abused every day, would you tell her “divorce is not an option”?
Do you really believe God wants His children abused? Or thinks they should tolerate it, even to the extent of dying at the hands of an abusive man? It has happened before.
And a young woman (and even her father) can easily be taken in by a man who seems to follow Christ, but in reality is an angry or evil person. Do you think all women married to such men did so knowingly? No, of course not, they were fooled.
I’m sorry, but Kelly’s letter, while excellent, gives her children the impression that there is no recourse in the case of an abusive marriage.
Hi Jane,
I really hate to detract from the post, but I thought i should respond. I maintain that where there is proper courtship – in which the couple openly involves their families, godly mentors, and wise friends and courts in their presence with their active involvement – it is very highly unlikely that a woman will marry an abusive man. I would like to assume that Kelly’s advice is within this realm.
Also, the post here is only addressing a situation where the couple feels that they want out SIMPLY because they feel unhappy, uninterested, or without love. There are many unique situations which cannot be addressed in one post. Perhaps, instead of quickly pointing out that the post is lacking because it does not talk about abusive relationships, we could assume that abuse was outside the scope of the post, and ask what the writer’s opinions are in that case. That is my take, and I think for the situation Kelly has covered, she has nailed it!
I am tempted here to answer your question that asks what i would do if my daughter was in an abusive relationship, but I think that is a different situation altogether and it would be veering too far away from the point of the post. The post here is general advice to children about marriage and family, not really a post about abuse. It tells Children what the Bible says about the permanence of marriage, how to love their spouses, and the importance of family. I think it’s wonderful advice. 🙂
Thanks,
Daphne
Would that we could all be as sensible and discerning as you, Daphne. Detractors have one goal.
Kelly,
Can you answer that question, since Daphne cannot? What would you do if your daughter is being abused?
And courtship is hardly a deterrent against abuse. That is naive.
If abuse is outside the realm of your post, you would be wise to say so. Otherwise, how will your children know this, if they were ever in such a situation? All they’d know is what is in your letter.
It is unGodly and unChristlike to call me a “detractor” for raising questions. Can’t your beliefs handle a question, or did you want only unquestioning readers to respond?
Blessings,
Jane
Jane,
I can answer that question. If my daughter was being abused I’d get her out. Quickly. And you’re right, a man can deceive in the courtship process. I’ve seen it happen, though it is rare.
I don’t have to include the caveats in my letter. The Bible says “Do not murder.” But we know from the whole counsel of Scripture that there is an acceptable time to do so. This letter isn’t the only bit of wisdom my children will ever get from me. To suggest so is naive. “All they’ll know” is certainly not contained in this one letter.
It is not ungodly or unChrist-like to call you a detractor when you’ve spent the last few years detracting. It’s honest. Pretending to be sincere on a new blog may convince other readers, but you can’t repeatedly send harassing comments to me, under a myriad of pseudonyms and except me to feel obligated to treat you seriously.
This answer is for the others reading, not for you.
Dear Kelly, Jane and Daphne,
I liked your letter so much, I’m going to save it for my children to read one day.
I don’t think Jane really want to distract. She’s in real pain. I did my best to I marry a ‘godly’ man. Proper courtship etc. To all appearances he was a godly man with Christ his first pursuit. He grew up in a churchgoing, godly family. He deceived me. He is a Psychopath.
In some situations you just don’t have an option. Divorce is not an easy way out … it’s just that it’s a little easier to protect my children against his abuse, by being lawfully seperated from him. I believe that to marry to someone else, would be wrong. In front of God I’m still married, and will be, till either one of us die.
Magret,
I am so sorry for your pain, and you ARE right…men can be deceiving and I have seen it personally, in the lives of friends and it’s heart breaking at best.
You are to be commended for your response to your difficult situation.
This letter presumes the absence of abuse. A list of caveats would ultimately weaken the main message. Just as the Bible isn’t full of every exception, but depends on our discernment and the principles of Scripture to make hard decisions. There are things about our “Jane” you don’t know. We have quite a history. Rest assured, her motives are not innocent.
I’d like to add: Marriage (and life) is not necessarily about being happy but about being gratefull and content. (Difficult.)
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